This year hadn't had anything I was terribly excited to report, but I will say this: I missed kissing (etc)...

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I'm getting ready to have another dqpb Thanksgiving dinner and I'm all dressed up and ready to go. I'm hungry and ready for the gourmet dinner I am sure CC has slaved over.

I'm having a blast with the cast out at Gateway. I forgot how much I enjoy group housing... and performing. Thankful for a job, new friends, and calls from respected theatres I really want to work for telling me they love me and can't wait to work with me when I'm available again...

Well, it's official. Today I found out that of the 4 men I have had serious, committed relationships with in my life, every last one of them has had a baby with the women they got with immediately after me. As for the men I have ever dated for brief times, most have them have ended up staying with their next ladies for a year or more after me. So if you're a guy looking for the love of your life, date me for a few weeks and you will find her very quickly. As for the babies, well, I am thankful it is not me. I dodged some bullets there, I guess!

Best wishes to you and Happy Thanksgiving!

One of my happiest times was living in Naples, FL in 2007 playing principal roles in 3 different productions. Every night, I would come home to the cast house and notice the constellation of Orion hanging low in the sky over the house. I felt like it was another of the many wonderful friends I had made there.

One of my (many) favorite memories from "The Pajama Game" tour ('08-'09) I have is from Hershey, PA, walking in the gardens of the Hershey Hotel with a sweetheart and looking at the stars, esp Orion, and discovering a family of deer watching us in return.

Here I am, more than a year later, meeting new people while also working with old friends, on the eve of another opening show, and discovering that I am never happier than with a family of castmates. Orion is brightly shining over this cast house in Long Island and I feel as comfortable with people I have known for 3 days as with friends (also in the cast) I have known for 8 years.

Note to self: Work more. It's not just the performance aspect that makes you happy.

My career and my personal life may not be all I ever dreamed, but I am as content as I could wish and that's saying a whole hell of a lot. Thanks, Orion. :-)

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I think it's time. I feel the itch. Usually something catastrophic happens and I hit the long-distance pavement, but this time it may be just the opposite: NOTHING has happened. Maybe the mini holiday tour will cure me, but if not, it is time for me to visit far-away lands and create a new reality. Shake things up. Yup, I'm done with this set of circumstances. Bring on an adventure!!!!!

I am about to break loose...

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I haven't written a word here in 6 weeks. (I started to write an entry called "Pragmatism- the word of the year" and it was pretty brilliant, but it got deleted when a text message came in on my phone that I was typing it on). I was tired of being anything other than positive and perky and then my schedule picked up and was out of control busy. Now I'm at another crossroads.

BTW- I need a subletter/roommate (again) starting Nov 17. Fully furnished, sunny room, midtown west. Lovely. Contact me.

2009 is almost over (thank god) and I know that if I force myself to use my usual positive perspective, I will find lots of little achievements to be happy about. For example: being on tour with Pajama Game for the first 4 months of the year, having a successful summercamp job with Caren at Lorton Arts, improving exponentially with my voice lessons with Kate Pazakis, getting on workstudy at Ailey, getting on faculty at Arias Studios, and meeting all the wonderful new people who came into my life this year.

I did not achieve any of the goals I had set out to reach, however. I have some bitterness about a couple of business/friend relationships that soured (not romantic- dear goodness there's been NOTHING to report on that end since 2008!) and I am still struggling to make the rent or even have a stable roommate. These are the top 3 priorities in life: Career, relationships, and home. OK, I'm leaving out health- which was a HUGE consideration in 2008- so I am grateful for my old, tired, sore, yet still usable body. 

Yes, I feel that 2009 was a big disappointment, but I will work on an attitude adjustment. After all, I am going to be in a happy holiday show for 5 weeks and I have been asked back to do another Bawdy burlesque before that starts. It's all about focusing on the positive.

This message was sent to me tonight and I just want to post it everywhere so that I can re-read it often, and maybe you will get something out of it too. I didn't ask permission to re-print so I hope the author doesn't mind...

"Ah I see, as artist we are in a constant battles with ourselves.

What's the actual issue (meaning physical) is there one?

Then what is the voice saying... We need to find a way to shut it up or at least fight back :)

You are beautiful and talented, and capable of anything :) you are so very strong inside AND out :) believe it, because that is all true."

Isn't that lovely? Good night.





P.S. I carried a Watermelon.

Hmmm. TIME=PERSPECTIVE.

I hear it now. It came across Neg.A.Tive. At the time, I thought it was just off-the-cuff, matter-of-opinion, nobody-cares-anyway. I thought it was understood that the positive outweighed the negative. I didn't think anyone was paying attention to me anyhow.

I CARE. I have always cared. If I didn't (even when I shouldn't), I wouldn't still hold on to every damn thing and worry for years about other people's feelings/reactions.

Instead of successfully letting go, I have recently tried to protect myself with a flippant attitude and/or hiding, and that's not any good either. It just causes more turmoil- internal and external. Blech. Sorry.

You know, I think there are 2 reasons I haven't really posted much this summer:

1. I have been fighting depression and anger and melancholy and really prefer to represent myself in a positive attitude.

2. I post status updates *at least* daily on Facebook, so that tells 700 people per post what's going on in my life, minus the exposition.

Well, and maybe a 3rd would be fear (and exhaustion!) from the fallout I get every time I say something someone doesn't like. But we've been through this before, and I'm just not THAT private a person. I have nothing to hide, and I'm usually pretty nice, so I just say whatever's on my mind. Always have. But I have become a little gun-shy since realizing that my words affect people far more than I thought.

So, mostly I blame Facebook. So if you look here to get the dirt on me but still haven't joined that little gem of a social networking site, I recommend you let yourself get sucked in. It is fascinating.

I'll write more here when I get some of my own issues worked out. As always, my close friends have been incredibly supportive, encouraging, and loving, and I am eternally grateful for that.

When was the last time you hugged someone? No, I mean REALLY squeezed someone to let them know how much you love them.

I have hugged and kissed my many friends so often as a greeting and parting lately that I wonder if it is losing some of it's value. Kissing (not the passionate kind, but the heartfelt, tender kind), cuddling, and hugging (with meaning) are things that are so often taken for granted these days.

Not only that, but the sincere ones are starting to feel awkward. For example: last week, one of my best friends let me know that he had just broken up with his significant other. He is such a strong character that all I could muster up was a meek pat on the back. I mean, he was certainly not in tears or anything, but I couldn't do any better than THAT?! Sheesh. My intimacy skills have vanished.

Help me spread some love around, would you? I think the world could use a little. I know for sure I could.

WHY cut this from the new Broadway Revival? ugh

We all know I love NYC; it's the first (and only) place I have ever felt truly comfortable where I could be myself. But sometimes lately, as I re-examine what I am doing and how I'm doing and how I'm changing, I wonder what path I am on anymore.

About once a month, I go to DC/Northern VA for gigs and to visit my parents. This I have come to appreciate more and more as my relationship with them is growing and I invite the opportunity to live a different life for a day or two.

The difference between lifestyles is remarkable. I mean, I still over-schedule myself with social appointments with a job thrown in the middle, so that's not different. But consider this: apartment living where you can hear every little thing your neighbors do vs. a big house where the neighbors are down the hill and through the trees; walking or subwaying everywhere vs driving your own car; traffic vs. sense of freedom (THAT's one of those that is all about perspective); eating out (or my own questionable cooking) vs mom's meals; my own tiny place with all my personality and stuff crammed in to my little midtown oasis vs. the house I grew up in with it's familiar history and inhabitants; the feeling of being plugged in to the center of everything vs. the relief of being aloof and disconnected from the world and narrowing my focus...

You get the idea. I don't think I'm ready to trade in my fantastic actor life for the domestic "bliss" my parents have, but it's nice to know I can have both, if only for a couple of days each month.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I even bother with my efforts to have a good attitude, work hard, keep in touch, FORGIVE...  I mean, ultimately somebody always says something mean or guilt trips are given, or ancient history (which is completely misconstrued) gets thrown in your face, etc, etc etc. No matter how hard you try, there's always someone trying to take you down. And there are days I really want to give in, get taken down, and put myself under the covers. Or throw something just to see/hear/feel it smash into smithereens.

(There are also times when I realize that for the 99 NICE things I have said, there was that 1 comment I made that was TOO honest or catty or just thoughtless and (esp in contrast against the nice things I usually say) hurtful to someone. I'm not a hypocrite; I'm just human.)

It's when I'm about to throw something or crawl under the covers that I really have to look around and appreciate my "family". Yes, my mom and dad (who have been very receptive to my recent attempts to strengthen our bonds) but also my friends who support me so vehemently. It's the ones you love that you take for granted, and I try so hard to to let them all know how much they mean to me and how much their support matters and how wonderful I think THEY are. But sometimes the negative voices are the ones I focus on and it's hard for me to trust and to hug as much or say "I love you" as much as I once did, or remember that the world doesn't hate me. If anything, I have surrounded myself with some of the most generous, supportive, loving, wonderful people I could ever imagine and I hate that sometimes I lose sight of that.

I have ALWAYS said communication is the key to understanding, although it is easier said than done. Some people choose to communicate their anger in disrespectful ways and the result causes more turmoil rather than peace, but it's something you have to keep at always and follow through on with sincere respect to get results.

I wish I could tell you all the scenes I have playing in my mind right now for why I am writing this; people who hurt me (to my knowledge with no cause), people I have hurt, Personal ghosts that haunt me professionally, lies lies and more lies... it's exhausting. So much has come to light in the past month of my life and I really want to make it constructive, but hopefully the concept is universal enough that I can finally write a heartfelt journal entry again without dramatic repurcussions. 

As per my policy,  I will try to take the high road. I will reach out to the situations I want to understand and could possibly progress from, and I will forgive those (AGAIN) who have hurt me. I will ignore (or work around) the things I cannot change, and I will find the little part of my heart that can still love and focus that on the people who care for me every day. The little (and sometimes BIG) things they do add up to a truly beautiful life and I need to never forget that. Those are the people who appreciate the honor and dignity of the high road and they are the ones I really need the respect of. I don't want to let them down. And I need to be strong enough to be a support when they need it too. THAT's love.

A new dating website especially to match my friends!

Last night I put up a facebook status saying that I love women named Kate.

Yesterday I had another awesome voice lesson with Kate Pazakis, who is so encouraging and nice, yet pushes and is very professional. I'm excited about studying with her. Then there's my awesome roommate who has become such a good friend in the past year, Kate Egan. I just don't know what I'll do with myself when she leaves me for Avenue Q! Then last night I got a great email from the uberfantastic Kate Swan, which made me very happy.

So it was a terrific day of Kate-dom :)

Here's my "talent" routine from the Miss Fag Hag pageant... I disappear for a short bit to pass out candy in the audience, but stick with it because I come back for lots of (clearly unrehearsed)antics afterward!

My favorite comments were Katina Carrao telling me I was "Gloria Estefan, Fred Astaire, and Carrot Top all rolled into one!" and Caroline Rhea saying, "You're so much MORE than a Fag Hag... you're really a FAG!" Best compliments of my life ;~)

This is just super quick because I have so much I want to post via real internet but all I have is the new Palm Pre. Yes, I broke down and invested in Sprint's answer to the iPhone, but I am learning it does not actually have all the components I was promised it would. I am actually considering returning it, getting back my $ 350 and requesting a refurbished Treo that I loved since they don't make them anymore. Hmph. I think it will be wise with my rent getting hiked again...

Anyway, so I would post the video that just went up of my so-called talent competition at the Miss Fag Hag Pageant. It's ridiculous and funny but I can't get the video to embed until I get my laptop up and running. Anyway, if you get on Facebook or YouTube, they posted 7 different videos of the contestants. Look for me; Miss Hell's Kitchen! (when I disappear for a bit, it's because I went out into the audience to pass out candy...)

I will post for real as soon as I get connected!

The Showcase was a huge success. We're very proud of all our kids and the hard work all paid off in the end. Of the past 4 years, I think this was my favorite of all the revues.

The dances I choreographed were:
"Opening Night" from The Producers (sort of)
"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from Mary Poppins
"Ease on Down the Road" from The Wiz
"Coffee Break" from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
"Sing Your Own Song" from Dear Edwina
"Bad Guys" from Bugsy Malone
"Slap That Bass" from Crazy for You

and I supervised my intern on "Together, Wherever We Go" from Gypsy and "Ohmigod You Guys" from Legally Blonde, the Musical. There were also a number of scenes they all intensely prepared with the always brilliant instruction of my esteemed colleague and friend, Caren Hearne.

Thank goodness for hard-working crew (Liz and Sam), friends with connections (Yoav, Patrick...), and musicians who make it fun to come to work every day (Claudia, Arthur...). P.S. Having a live band in the pit is awesome, but the next time I run the sound board, I don't want to be that close to them! Ack- aural overload!

I'm in VA doing the choreo thing, but have not written one word. Meanwhile, Joy is off starring at SSMT and blogging every single day on FB. Am I a slacker, exhausted by the job, or still going through "a phase"? Well, maybe a little of each. I just don't have much to say (for once).

Last weekend there would have been several good follow-ups to the Bally's BS, but by Tuesday I was "over" the gym altogether. The idea of pushing my body after 8 hours of teaching dance is ludicrous. (Last time I used that word was a year ago and it got me in all SORTS of trouble.) Still feeling like a lump and hating it. Now I  have a sore throat with a voice that cracks from teaching so much to go with it.

Looking forward to the weekend with my parents and the baseball game on Sunday with Caren and Erin.

I went to Broadway Bares last night and for the second year in a row was awed by the beauty and talent of those bodies.

A month ago I joined the Bally's in my neighborhood and yet I have only gone about once a week. Let me give you a glimpse into why...

When my show closed in April, I needed to take a break for a few weeks and then get back in shape to look for my next job. Since the dance studio I used to manage and study at closed while I was on the road, I decided to go the gym route. I joined Bally’s for a number of reasons: my friend Craig was encouraging me to work out with him, there is a location conveniently located near my apartment in midtown Manhattan, they were offering a nationwide availability which works well with all the travelling I do, and the monthly commitment was a price within my budget.

 

Patrick sold me my membership and was friendly and down to earth and seemed to understand my needs as a dancer. I was already a pretty “easy sell”, as I knew what I was looking for, but his demeanor made me feel even more comfortable with my choice to join the Bally’s midtown location. He recommended the ab machines upstairs for me and told me I would get a complimentary hour with a personal trainer, who could show me how to work the rest of the machines.

 

I got a call from Abby a day or two later and we set up an appointment for my introduction to the gym. This is how that hour went…:

 

Abby asked me to do 5 minutes of cardio on an elliptical to warm up. When the machine I got on wouldn’t turn on, she told me it didn’t matter; keep going and we would just watch the clock (which meant that I had no control over the incline or tension or lack thereof). When I started to protest, she said it didn’t matter, I had done enough already and was probably warm.

 

Then she took me over to use a little device to calculate my BMI. Instead of weighing me, she asked me my weight and I had to guess. After putting calculations into the device she told me that it does not account for water in your organs, but that I “need to lose ten pounds”.

 

Abby led me over to the training room foyer where she told me to do squats. (As a dancer, I am accustomed to plie’s, which have a very specific form that I learned at a very young age, and squatting is something baseball catchers do.) I’m not sure if there was something wrong with the ceiling or if the numbers were written up there, but that’s where she was staring while she counted backwards from 12 while I squatted down to the floor and back up, painfully. She had me do some jumping jacks and other calisthenics and went back to squats. I interrupted Abby’s ceiling-concentrated counting to ask her why my knees were hurting and she finally realized I was doing them wrong. Once she explained the proper form of a workout squat, I felt much better.

 

Then it was time to go into the training room where the music was so loud, I could barely hear Abby. I figured I would be fine picking up whatever she was saying by watching, although I was getting antsy to go upstairs and learn all those machines in the time we had left. Abby made a step and collected some weights and tried to demonstrate an odd combination. Her demonstration was unclear, so I asked her to explain it again. She did not do the same thing twice. She apologized that she had just come from a training seminar and her mind was still on that. I decided to make up my own uneven routine, but she didn’t notice because she was back to counting the tiles on the ceiling.

 

When she was ready to change to another exercise, I noticed that our time was already more than half over and I asked her when we were going to go look at the machines, which intimidate me and I’m unsure how to use. She looked at me wide-eyed and said that she still needed to stretch me out. I assured her that with a college degree in dance, I know how to stretch myself out, but I don’t know how to use that huge room of weight machines. She insisted that she was going to give me the benefits of assisted stretching. I tried to compromise and say that I would let her help me with a pinched nerve in my shoulder for a few minutes if she would use the rest of the time on what I had asked for. She seemed to agree.

 

Once Abby had me on the table, the assisted stretch really did help my pinched nerve and I asked if it would be possible to get her help with that again for a few minutes at the end of my future workouts. She looked skeptical so I explained that I understood that she needs to be compensated and we could work something out. She said we could take it to her manager when we were finished. Then I found myself on my back so she could stretch my hamstrings at a 90 degree angle. (Remember: I literally kick my face for a living and had told her so, but she was afraid to push past perpendicular. And we had still not left the trainer’s room with 5 minutes left of my free hour.) Abby spotted her manager (I think his name is Jim?) and took me to his office for a chat.

 

Jim shook my hand and asked how he could help. I explained my situation that, as an out-of-work dancer, I need to get back into competing form but have had injuries plaguing me. Being unemployed, I do not have much money but would like some help a few minutes each week to heal my injuries and was hoping that his staff could help me. Suddenly, the trainer who couldn’t count backwards from 12 without the aid of the ceiling could multiply and divide and come up with pricing packages for different tiers of training for different periods of time. Jim pulled out a schematic to show me what a deal they could give me if I would purchase so many hours and they would be able to upgrade me to a higher tier, etc. When I was hesitant, Jim gave me a guilt trip about how I would never get another job if I wasn’t in shape and that the only way I was going to do that would be if I were to work with a trainer and spend hundreds of dollars. I explained to him that I did not have that kind of money because I was unemployed and need to pay my rent. He looked directly at me and reminded me that I need to set my priorities (meaning that I couldn’t pay my rent if I didn’t have a job and I wouldn’t get a job without his help).

 

I told Jim there were really only two things I was looking for at this point: a little help stretching my injuries, and explanation of how to work the weight machines. He asked me which machines I was most interested in and I told him I had heard great things about the ab machines upstairs.

 

Jim said, “If I had the keys to this place, the first things to go would be those awful ab machines.”

 

Exasperated, I reiterated that I had spent the last hour waiting to learn to use them, because I had heard such good things about them (from Patrick, but I didn’t mention that).

 

Jim said, “Well, people always hear things and read things and you never know what their sources are. The only people who really understand are the professionals” and he gestured to himself and Abby.

 

I wondered what he considered Patrick… or myself.

 

I responded, “Do you know who Mikhail Baryshnikov is?”

 

Jim straightened up and said, “Of course!”

 

I told him, “Well, I was in his private study last month and was very surprised to discover that the only workout equipment he has is an Ab Lounger and two 5 pound dumbbells.”

 

Refusing to be proved wrong, Jim huffily explained that “What works for one person isn’t right for everyone.”

 

I realized that this guy was never going to give me the respect that I deserved and that I was never going to be trained on the machines. Tired of being insulted, my requests ignored, and having my time wasted, I smiled sweetly and said, “I’ll think about it.”

 

Needless to say, what I have thought about is that I will never give Bally’s personal trainers a penny of my money. My friend Craig has shown me how to use many of his favorite machines and Patrick has demonstrated his favorite ab machine for me. I found some classes I really enjoy (which are packed) on Tuesdays and Thursdays for sculpting and cardio dance- the teacher in there walks around and watches all of his students and corrects form and does so with an encouraging smile and a good attitude. I wish there were more of those classes on the schedule, as I would enjoy coming to the gym much more often and it is clear from the numbers that many others would too. I don’t know that teacher’s name, but a whole lot more of him and a whole lot less of Jim and Abby would be a huge improvement at Bally’s Midtown.

I acidentally set fire to my kitchen this morning while discovering a mouse under the sink...

I did like Martha Stewart says and put the sponge in the microwave to kill bacteria. But it was still wet and 5 minutes *may* have been too long (clearly).

While I was distracted by the sounds of a mouse (!) under the sink, I started to smell the smoke and looked up to see I had trouble. I opened the microwave to look at the damage and discovered a lump of coal where the sponge had been. I'm so mad there's a mouse because I thought I had eradicated that problem 6 weeks ago with the purchase of this fantastic Riddex plug-in thing.

After a few hours of letting the smoke clear and using my air purifier, I was brave enough to inspect the damage and found a charred lump of coal where the sponge had been and bad scorch marks in the microwave. I let out a guffaw after I said out loud, "I guess I need a new sponge"...